Corn Meal Mush by Any Other Name...

So, those of you who have been paying attention have heard that I'm trying a new hobby. I'm gonna be a foodie.

I realize that from the dyed-in-the-wool foodies' perspective, it isn't a hobby...more of a calling. Many are called but few are chosen. Now if I just had a foodie dictionary, I'd be all set. Honestly, when on "Chopped", one of the contestant's decides she's going to fix "pain perdue", it seems a little condescending and snooty. "Pain perdue", thanks to several years of grade-school French, I understand is literally "bread lost"...French toast for all those of you who don't aspire to such lofty heights.

Because, when bread became too stale for human consumption, the French, being all about fresh bread, decided to dip it in egg and milk and fry it. Southern blacks called it "lost bread"...wonder where they found the foodie dictionary to come up with that name?

In my family, when we were very small, it was called "Yellow Toast" or "Lallo Toast" for those of us too young to pronounce the "Y" sound. Perhaps because the egg turned the toast yellow? But I think that's probably just a family thing, not known in loftier culinary circles. Bet it wouldn't be in any foodie dictionary.

And don't get me started on all the weirdo fish they have in those mystery baskets on "Chopped"...some fish one serves raw (more on raw fish later) and some are cooked with skin on and some are cooked with skin on and then the skin is removed  prior to "plating" (one doesn't serve on snooty cooking shows, one "plates" the food). Once it's all explained by the judges, snoots all, it turns out that the fish in question is really just a halibut or a cod, found only in one small inlet in Nova Scotia or in some North Sea bay near Norway. If it had been caught off the coast of Maine, it would be called "cod".

Or the "protein" (as the snoots call it) is calf brain or octopus or the testicles of South American buffalo. Or something equally unappealing. The judges then pronouce it to be inedible ("Why didn't you know that it has to be boiled for 3 hours before braising?") or they pronounce "This is the best sheep arm pit I've ever had!" One wonders how many sheep arm pits they've actually tasted in their lifetimes.

I'm trying to be more adventurous, but honestly, sushi should be considered an abomination. RAW FISH??? If God had intended for us to eat raw fish, s/he wouldn't have given man the gift of Fire. Raw fish makes me think one should just inject the salmonella directly into a vein and be done with it. Why is it that pork chops are considered overcooked if they aren't pink inside. In high school, Mrs. Morehead's Home Economic class, I distinctly remember learning about trichinosis. Raw pork of any kind was to be avoided at all costs. And as for fish, I'd sooner put a piece of raw chicken in my mouth than a piece of raw fish, whether it's from Nova Scotia or not.

Last night's episode of "Chopped" featured chicken feet, not for the first time. I always thought chicken feet were kinda like pig's knuckles...parts of the animal that only poor people ate because they were cheap protein. Or like chitlins, which for the uninitiated, are deep fried pig intestines. Presumably, someone has washed them thoroughly and I mean thoroughly. So these trained chefs, who came from prestigious restaurants in New York and Las Vegas, didn't know to trim the toenails from the chicken feet. Do they really serve chicken feet at the Ritz?

Now, I've never been trained on proper preparation of chicken feet, but I would at least have the presence of mind to perform a pedicure on the damn toenail, if for no other reason than I wouldn't want to look at chicken toenails. I mean, REALLY! Yet three of the four contestants didn't do that and of course the judges were all snooty and said stuff like they should have known to trim the nails. Maybe, snooty judges, they've never had to eat chicken feet so they didn't know.

If I had a nickel for the number of times I've seen otherwise sane chefs prepare shrimp, leaving the tails on and serving them swimming into a creamy sauce of some nature, I'd be a millionaire. Especially, for some strange reason. when they are preparing an appetizer. I guess everyone gets to sit down with knife and fork during the appetizer round at their house.

I just envision myself at a stand-up buffet, having to pick up the shrimp with my fingers dripping with the creamy sauce, dripping it all the way down my blouse and having to lick the sauce off my fingers while trying to find someplace to stash the tail. Please, I plead silently, if you are going to throw shrimp into ANY sauce, take the damn tails off!

Which brings me to corn meal mush, a dish my mom served fried for breakfast, with butter and syrup on it. A nice, cheap, stick-to-your-ribs kind of breakfast. When there was nothing else in the house to serve for breakfast, Mom brought out the mush. Had it for years. Adored the flavors and textures of this simple breakfast. Directions on how to make corn meal mush are even in my red-and-white-checked cookbook that I've had forever.

I only recently realized that polenta is THE EXACT SAME THING. My mom learned to cook first by her English-born stepmother, then by the seat of her pants. As a "mother's helper" at the tender age of 13, my Mom supported herself and put herself through college cooking for families and tending the kids in exchange for a bed and a roof over her head. In Detroit, Michigan. So I guess we are forgiven if we had a different name for it. Like "lallo toast" for the much more expensive and snooty "pain perdue". You change the name, you change the price.

Here I've been thinking that polenta was all snooty Italian food and I've been eating it for years. And none of that store-bought polenta for me. I make it at home, from scratch. Because, you see, it's a bout a million cups of water and one cup of cornmeal and you cook it on the stove for 15 minutes and you're done. It costs much less to make, pennies on the dollar, too. I've seen it on the pasta aisle at the supermarket in little tiny packages costing $8. Just as long as it says "polenta" on the package. If it said "corn meal mush", it would be 95 cents.

I've seen the chefs on the Food Network use polenta to make chilled salads (kinda like couscous) and bake it (always with mushrooms that cost $100/lb.)...there's always one chef on "Chopped" who thinks that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they will be able to cook polenta or rice (and not just any rice, but rice that is grown wild in the mountains of Borneo) in the limited time they have. I've never seen one succeed, so I'm somewhat puzzled as to why they would think they alone could do it. I guess because they, being snooty chefs, can somehow bend the time/space continuum and stretch 20 minutes into 2 hours. Or something.

Foodies are becoming ever more global, borrowing from cultures around the world and using the native language's name for dishes. Maybe that's why my Mom's English influence called it mush, whereas if she'd been taught by an Italian-born stepmother, it would've been polenta. But really, I don't believe for one second that those chefs have been to some tribal village in east India to sample the local foods and bring them back to America. They just had it in some snooty restaurant in Paris and placed small samples in their handbags and brought it back to be chemically analyzed so they could steal the recipe.

Have you ever noticed how imported vegetables, always more expensive than locally grown, are much preferred on those cooking shows? None of the lowly cucumber or tomato for THEIR recipes. It's English cucumbers and imported greenhouse German potatos and Egyptian tomatoes for them. Because, as they are quick to explain, you CAN make this dish with common vegetables from your own garden, but it won't TASTE the same. Snooty city.

They always make HUGE quantities on those cooking shows. I hope that they have some nearby soup kitchen that they donate the leftovers to. Because, although they are only serving 3-4 judges and they could use a silver dollar as a cover for the small amount of food they actually plate, they seem to have pots and pans full of food leftover. My Mom, who grew up terribly impoverished, is spinning in her grave at the amount of waste. There are starving children in China who could eat that food!

And yet, contrarian that I am, I aspire to be in this group. Why? Beats me. Maybe because I want to travel and see the world and I can't afford that so I stay in my little old-fashioned kitchen and travel through cooking. But I promise never to be snooty. If I get snooty, just slap me up side of my head with a cod.

The Bible Tells Me So

I'm having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Perhaps it's because the news is so bad. Little children shot in their classroom, while gun nuts defend their right to own Howitzers and tanks and grenade launchers. Fake-o Christians getting their dander up about a fake-o "War on Christmas" ginned up by a fake-o "news" organization.

I actually feel guilty about passing on the posts by well-meaning individuals who post pictures of the Bible and tell their friends to "like" if they believe in it. (And don't get me started on the totally phantasmic, anachronistic Kincaid-style paintings of Santa Claus kneeling before a manger with a beatific swaddled child and the legend "Jesus is the reason for the season."!) Being a little OCD and a lot Grammar Nazi, I always ask myself, "What does that mean?" Are you asking me if I believe that book exists? Yep, I'm pretty sure I've seen several hundred of them in my lifetime.

Are you asking me if I believe its teachings? Well, that depends on which teachings. I believe we should be more loving. I believe we shouldn't judge each other, 'tho that's probably my greatest sin. I don't believe that we should stone people who touch pigskin on the Sabbath, or whatever. And I certainly cut my hair and eat pork and in general break quite a few of the more strict teachings. I wouldn't dream of forcing a widow to marry her husband's brother, regardless of what the Bible says about that.

Are you asking me if I believe it's literally true? Once again, the Grammar Nazi in me comes out. I believe the Bible has some "literal" Truths-with-a-capital-T to teach us, like the aforementioned being more loving and less judgemental. But do I believe that all the events which are reported in that book really, seriously,  happened? Uh, nope. Or at least not most of them. And, to me, it doesn't really matter whether they happened or not.

It has nothing to do with our ability to use the Bible as an moral guide. Some people seem to use the Bible as a bludgeon, beating the crap out of anyone who disagrees with their interpretation, and only certain passages but not others, at that.

The events described in the Bible were part of an oral history, first told by the Jews, then by the early Christians. Oral historians were also called "storytellers". It was many centuries before literature even distinguished between "fiction" and "nonfiction"...the listeners didn't care. While they were listening, they believed it actually happened, whether or not it did.

I had this conversation with my sister this summer, while we were driving along the road to a family wedding. She, who believes that everything in the Bible is literally true (despite some contradictions), became quite upset when I tried to explain that it is a more important book, a more influential book, if one believes that it contains certain Truths, just not stories that may or may not be "true".

I used the example of the parables. "Do you believe that the parables actually happened," I asked. Well, no she didn't. But we can still glean Truths about how to live our lives and treat our families through those parables, right? Right. So why couldn't the entire Bible be suggestions on how we treat each other and live our lives?

Of course, the strictures against killing each other or cheating on your spouse, I consider to be more than just "suggestions". But did you know that in some translations, the Commandment "thou shalt not kill" is expressed "thou shalt not murder"? The ancient Jews rightly felt there was a difference between accidental killing, mercy killing, etc.and the outright purposeful murder of another in order to gain something he had. A different kettle of fish altogether.

Equally hard to pass by are those posts by well-meaning friends who wouldn't understand my system of morality if I talked to them for three days, let alone understand a Facebook quip which might be taken the wrong way. But it is tempting to reply, when you see someone railing against the innocuous greeting "Happy Holidays" and claiming that we are declaring war on Christmas and trying to take Jesus out of the season and for all they know, we eat little children for breakfast.

I've tried to explain that I began saying "Happy Holidays" years ago when I was dating a Jewish man whose family celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas. My best friend from college celebrates Kwanzaa and Christmas. Some of my friends celebrate Christmas only. But I really don't want to question my mailman about what holidays, if any, he celebrates. Some social interactions are much too brief to be able to sit down with the check-out clerk and determine which holidays her family celebrates, so as not to offend with the wrong greeting. So, by insisting on "Merry Christmas", those folks are actually insisting that everyone celebrate their holiday and no other.

When I was in high school in St. Louis County, we lived across the street from a Reformed Jewish family who had a son my brother's age. Tim and Gary were inseparable and Gary happened to be at our house when our Christmas tree was brought in and decorated. Never having had a tree, he wanted to experience that particular tradition. (Which, let's face it, has nothing whatsoever to do with Jesus' birth). My parents first called to check with his parents to see if it was okay, then allowed him to help. We even nicknamed it a "Hanukkah bush" in Gary's honor.

(Parenthetically, my mom used to say that the Prestons were the most "Christian" [as in "Christ-like"] people she knew. The day we moved in, Ann was at our door with a pot of hot coffee [always a plus with my caffine-addicted parents] and a plate of hot rolls. The first Sunday it snowed, there was Joe, out shoveling our driveway so we could get to church. When my dad asked Joe what the heck he was doing, he said we shouldn't have to work on Sunday and since it wasn't his Sabbath, he would do the work for us. Naturally, the next Sabbath it snowed, Daddy went out to shovel Joe's driveway so they could get to Temple.)

Those who claim that Christmas has been co-opted should perhaps take a look at Christian history. Because the Winter Solstice, celebrated by pagans for millenia, was co-opted by early Christian missionaries to the British Isles. That's why Christmas is celebrated in December, to dissuade the horrible pagans from practicing their heathen rituals and get them into church. Because most biblical scholars (including the Pope) believe Jesus' birth might have been in late spring or early summer.

(I'm also sure that it's no coincidence that Hanukkah occupies the same month...come to think of it, Jesus would've celebrated Hanukkah, right?)

The Christmas tree is also a pagan symbol, since pagans believe that spirits live in trees and plants as well as in animals. The evergreen, since it didn't "die" and lose its leaves in the fall, was a symbol of eternal life and rebirth, just as the Solstice was a celebration of the rebirth of the Sun.

So don't get your panties in a twist, folks. Axial tilt is the reason for the season and we can all respect and honor others' religions and traditions without being disrespectful of our own. And that's the Truth!