Food to Gag You

I must admit I watched "Top Chef" for several seasons and I was fascinated with the obsession of creating dishes that had never been thought of before. Sometimes, being unique creates some truly inedible dishes. The reason that dish hasn't ever been served before is because it tastes like crap.

They seemed to go out of their way to find truly exotic ingredients. What's wrong with the lowly green onion? Why do you have to have shallots? Some of the stuff they used I hadn't even heard of. I know some of my chef friends out there are blowing their pot lids and yelling "It tastes different!!" Yeah, but not that different.

The other reason I don't watch "Top Chef" anymore is I got tired of the fake-o dramas, the sabotage, the hissy fits, the cruelty of the judges, who after all, are just people who don't like certain dishes. They've convinced themselves that their palates are all so sophisticated. I bet if you fed those dishes to homeless people, they'd be all "This is the best food I've ever eaten."

I had to use soy milk for several years when my kids were little. I made the poor tykes drink the stuff. Child abuse, pure and simple. I used it in baking and cooking, but I wouldn't drink the stuff myself. Have you ever tasted soy milk? Gag me with a spoon.

Recently, after years of avoiding any soy milk, I was told by one of those granola vegan people that soy milk has improved. "It's really good now. That's all I drink," he said. So I tried it. Almost gagged. Soy milk, for anyone who hasn't tasted it recently, is just as horrible a product as it's always been. Who ever thought that squashing beans would result in a delicious drink?

Same thing with carob. In order to make carob taste a little like chocolate, you have to add a ton of sugar, which sort of defeats the purpose. That, incidentally, is why I don't like soy milk...they add a ton of sugar to cover the really gaggy taste. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.

I also wonder about puffer fish. I mean, how many people died before they discovered exactly how to prepare it so it wouldn't kill you? Why not just stick with catfish? Or salmon? Trout? Why take a poisonous fish and experiment with it? I can imagine the chef who finally achieved making puffer fish edible. He probably had trouble getting people to eat his food as experimental subjects. Imagine his triumph when the meal was completed and everybody was still breathing.

I don't care much for gumbo. Mostly because it gets that slimy texture from okra. I like all the rest of the ingredients but I literally do gag on boiled okra. I love fried okra, which of course isn't as good for you as the boiled stuff, but the boiled stuff has the texture of snot. Okay, I guess I should back off, 'cause I don't want to gag my Reader.

Kids these days are lucky. In the 1950's, when I was growing up, there was a rule. Liver and onions once a week. It was purportedly to build up your blood. You know, a once-a-week shot of iron. I think housewives in those days actually had a weekly menu. Liver on Monday, chicken on Tuesday, pork chops on Wednesday, etc. culminating with pot roast on Sunday, because you could leave the roast in the oven while you went to church.

Mole is another food I'm not sure about. You know, that sauce which appears in Mexican cuisine. It has like a gazillion ingredients including chocolate and can go horribly wrong if you don't know what you are doing. I'll bet it was invented by someone on "Top Chef".

I have many friends who are excellent cooks. They make the darn stuff from scratch. It is evidently very difficult to make, kinda like hollandaise. I make a pretty mean hollandaise, if I do say so myself. Mole is evidently one of those sauces which is street cred for those who really know their South of the Border food. They are kinda like wine snobs.

Why all the drama? Why not just take Hersey's Syrup and pour it on the chicken or whatever? I don't know that I'd try a dish that has chocolate on any entree or veggie dish, much as I love chocolate. I like my chocolate in brownies, cake, on ice cream, in Snickers bars.

Not so much on puffer fish.

Antidisestablishmentarianism

I can't even remember what that word means, but it is sufficiently long for me to sound really intelligent. For a while it was the longest word in the English language, until it was deposed by some disease which began with "pneumo-something".

It sounds like something to which I could subscribe. I don't like the bunch of yahoos who are currently in power, but I'm not really wild about the idea of "throwing all the bums out" either. I'm concerned, dear Reader, with the current polilitical scene.

My concern is based on the "anti-establishment/anti-incumbent" mood. How do we know when we throw the bums out of Washington that we aren't electing someone even worse? The phrase "throw the baby out with the bath water" comes to mind.

Like Rand Paul, to hone a fine point. (My deepest gratitude to Dr. Paul for providing me a most excellent example of why a "throw the bums out" mentality is problematic, not to say dangerous.)

He thinks that private establishments need not adhere to the Civil Rights Act or the ADA. It's "Big Government" to pass laws which force private enterprise to open their doors to everyone, including those in wheelchairs or those with colorful skin tones. Dr. Paul evidently hasn't envisioned the possible outcome that, if you are African-American and disabled, there might be no restaurant at which to eat. Let 'em eat cake at home!

Dr. Paul also seems to think that our huge deficit can be fixed without raising taxes. I think he may have failed Math class. If you ever encounter a candidate who admits they may need to raise taxes, vote for them. 'Cause you know they are being honest. Pipe dream time.

Here's a novel thought...why don't we all read the position papers of both candidates and decide whether the devil that we know is preferable to the devil we don't? We've gotten so lazy in this country that we allow the Press to determine how we feel about a position.

I'm not defending the current members. I'm no fan of the current bunch of crooks that are presumably in command in Washington. The lobbyists, the campaign shenanigans, the myriad members who can't seem to keep their members in their pants. Some of them indeed need to be shown the door.

But, surely, there are a paltry few who deserve to be re-elected. I'm thinking the candidates who just two years ago were voted in. Surely they haven't yet had the opportunity to sell us down the river. At least, not yet. Or the Senators who have learned a lot during their tenure and sit on powerful committees. There must be a reason why Ted Kennedy continued to return to the Senate. Maybe he was really good at being a Senator...at least that's what the voters thought.

And where is all the campaign money coming from for the Newbies, the Congressional wanna-bes? Gee, probably from the same lobbyists and special interest groups as the incumbents, don't you think?

So no one is entirely pristinely pure here. Maybe we can actually watch the debates and determine, whether Incumbent or Newbie, which of the candidates most closely reflects the way we would stand if we were the candidate.

Another thing which I think is most important in looking at candidates...their labels vs. their behavior. I don't have much truck for the terms "conservative" or "liberal". Recent history has taught us that the most "conservative" of lawmakers are really mostly "socially conservative"...at least when it comes to how they want everyone else to act.

When it comes to being "fiscally conservative", I don't have to point out that under "liberal" Presidencies we had attained fiscal responsibility, while the so-called "conservative Presidents", going back to Reagan and his Voo-Doo economics, have blown the budget big time.

Is it "conservative" to have an affair and proclaim to the world that you have met your soulmate, while your spouse (patently not your soulmate) has to hold her head high, despite the fact that you just bitch-slapped her on national television? I think not, but then that's just me.

Is it "liberal" to give a standing ovation to the leader of another country (meaning, not our country's leader) who lectures us on our immigration policy? Here's an idea...let's adopt Mexico's immigration policies and see if Calderon likes that.

Come on, people, don't let the electoral buzz make up your mind for you. At the risk of sounding like your mother, do your homework.

Lying to Your Children

A couple of days ago, my ex and I were standing in my yard when the ice cream truck went by, jangling out a barely-recognizable "Turkey in the Straw". We simultaneously turned to each other and said, "Ding Ding Truck."

You see, I pulled a fast one on my kids when they were young. When the inevitable ice cream truck roamed our neighborhood, like some bird of prey, ready to swoop down on innocent children with change in their pockets, I told a fib. My kids, barely toddlers, heard the ice cream truck one day and asked me, "What's that?"

I opened my mouth ready to reluctantly admit that that was a refrigerated truck which, for a fee, would give you ice cream bars or orange bomb-pops and most assuredly cavities and ruin your dinner. But what came out of my mouth was "That's the Ding Ding Truck. They know that sometimes people are sad so they drive around with a merry 'ding ding', cheering up sad people wherever they go."

Now here's where it gets really scary...they BOUGHT IT! I just knew when I told this big honkin' lie that they, being very intelligent children, would smell on the air the wafting aromas of refrigerant, cherry blasts and Eskimo pies and know that I had lied to them. But they didn't. THEY BELIEVED ME!

And so, dear Reader, I discovered a sad truth about parenting that had previously escaped me. Parents lie to their children. All the time. And mostly, they get away with it. At least for a few years. Like when you tell your kids about Santa Claus, well no...that's not a good example because it is to the kids' benefit to believe in Santa Claus.

Like about Santa Claus, even tho' it's a nice lie. "This won't hurt a bit" immediately tells the kid that, yes, it's going to hurt a lot. Like what you and Daddy are doing in the bedroom all by yourselves. A mountain of lies builds up by the time they become teenagers, which might explain why they don't have much use for us adults by then.

For almost a year, the "Ding Ding Truck" held sway, plying our neighborhood, bringing joy to sad people. Unfortunately, during the winter months, other children moved in across the street. Their parents hadn't been clued in about the "Ding Ding Truck". The following summer, my kids saw these children (whose parents were obviously NOT good parents) buying ice cream from that darned "Ding Ding Truck". The boys came running into the house, breathless with anticipation and barely able to speak. "Momma, (pant, pant) did you know that the "Ding Ding Truck" sells ice cream?!"
I played dumb. I slapped my hand on my cheek, acting all shocked. "No, I didn't."

"So Momma, can we have some money to go buy some ice cream?" I sighed with regret as I handed them each a dollar bill. Ah, Childhood's end.