Food to Gag You

I must admit I watched "Top Chef" for several seasons and I was fascinated with the obsession of creating dishes that had never been thought of before. Sometimes, being unique creates some truly inedible dishes. The reason that dish hasn't ever been served before is because it tastes like crap.

They seemed to go out of their way to find truly exotic ingredients. What's wrong with the lowly green onion? Why do you have to have shallots? Some of the stuff they used I hadn't even heard of. I know some of my chef friends out there are blowing their pot lids and yelling "It tastes different!!" Yeah, but not that different.

The other reason I don't watch "Top Chef" anymore is I got tired of the fake-o dramas, the sabotage, the hissy fits, the cruelty of the judges, who after all, are just people who don't like certain dishes. They've convinced themselves that their palates are all so sophisticated. I bet if you fed those dishes to homeless people, they'd be all "This is the best food I've ever eaten."

I had to use soy milk for several years when my kids were little. I made the poor tykes drink the stuff. Child abuse, pure and simple. I used it in baking and cooking, but I wouldn't drink the stuff myself. Have you ever tasted soy milk? Gag me with a spoon.

Recently, after years of avoiding any soy milk, I was told by one of those granola vegan people that soy milk has improved. "It's really good now. That's all I drink," he said. So I tried it. Almost gagged. Soy milk, for anyone who hasn't tasted it recently, is just as horrible a product as it's always been. Who ever thought that squashing beans would result in a delicious drink?

Same thing with carob. In order to make carob taste a little like chocolate, you have to add a ton of sugar, which sort of defeats the purpose. That, incidentally, is why I don't like soy milk...they add a ton of sugar to cover the really gaggy taste. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.

I also wonder about puffer fish. I mean, how many people died before they discovered exactly how to prepare it so it wouldn't kill you? Why not just stick with catfish? Or salmon? Trout? Why take a poisonous fish and experiment with it? I can imagine the chef who finally achieved making puffer fish edible. He probably had trouble getting people to eat his food as experimental subjects. Imagine his triumph when the meal was completed and everybody was still breathing.

I don't care much for gumbo. Mostly because it gets that slimy texture from okra. I like all the rest of the ingredients but I literally do gag on boiled okra. I love fried okra, which of course isn't as good for you as the boiled stuff, but the boiled stuff has the texture of snot. Okay, I guess I should back off, 'cause I don't want to gag my Reader.

Kids these days are lucky. In the 1950's, when I was growing up, there was a rule. Liver and onions once a week. It was purportedly to build up your blood. You know, a once-a-week shot of iron. I think housewives in those days actually had a weekly menu. Liver on Monday, chicken on Tuesday, pork chops on Wednesday, etc. culminating with pot roast on Sunday, because you could leave the roast in the oven while you went to church.

Mole is another food I'm not sure about. You know, that sauce which appears in Mexican cuisine. It has like a gazillion ingredients including chocolate and can go horribly wrong if you don't know what you are doing. I'll bet it was invented by someone on "Top Chef".

I have many friends who are excellent cooks. They make the darn stuff from scratch. It is evidently very difficult to make, kinda like hollandaise. I make a pretty mean hollandaise, if I do say so myself. Mole is evidently one of those sauces which is street cred for those who really know their South of the Border food. They are kinda like wine snobs.

Why all the drama? Why not just take Hersey's Syrup and pour it on the chicken or whatever? I don't know that I'd try a dish that has chocolate on any entree or veggie dish, much as I love chocolate. I like my chocolate in brownies, cake, on ice cream, in Snickers bars.

Not so much on puffer fish.