On Sports

A sport is commonly defined as an organized, competitive, and skillful physical activity requiring commitment and fair play. - Wikipedia

I admit I'm a fair-weather sports observer. I don't particularly like watching sports on TV but I do occasionally watch, since I only have to watch the Olympics every two years. My two favorite sports to watch are basketball and soccer. All those tight little butts in shorts. Plus, I understand them better. I watched the Super Bowl while reading a book, looking up whenever I heard a shout from the stands, signifying there was something worth watching. Because every play is now instantly replayed from several different angles, you don't miss what the shouting is all about.

In general, I find football boring. Sacrilege, you shout! At least in basketball or soccer, an hour is really an hour, not three. The action in football seems to be 15 seconds of play followed by 2 1/2 minutes of measuring yardage and those black-and-white garbed guys talking to each other. Not my idea of real action.

I'm watching Olympic speed skating as I write this post. Fortunately for the Dutch, a Dutchman named Kramer won the gold, because as the commentators pointed out, ad nauseum, the Dutch would have considered a bronze or silver medal a loss. (They didn't make any literary references to Hans Brinker) How stupid can you get? Last time I checked, a medal means you are the second- or third-best in the world. If I were the second- or third-best reader or knitter or seamstress in the world, I'd feel pretty good about myself.

That may be why I don't watch sports much. The commentators are incredibly inane. I'm a big fan of figure skating, but the commentators make me crazy. "Oh, she really missed that quadruple axle and her timing was off on the landing," some yahoo in a gold blazer says. "Let's see how well YOU perform a quadruple axle," I yell at the TV.

I've watched exactly one hockey game in real life. St. Louis Blues. 1969. Some player got kicked in the head with a skate blade and the blood on the ice was copious. Pretty color, but a little sickening. I did watch the US hocky team win the Olympics way back when, just because they weren't expected to win and they kicked Russia's butt. I have to admit I liked watching Russia's butt get kicked.

Another reason I don't watch sports on TV is that I find it hard to follow the ball, literally. I have a golf-nutty family, who think Sunday afternoons are high holy days for golfers. You see the guy "address" the ball (Hi, ball. How are ya doin'?), then he swings, a swing that looks just like every other swing by every other golfer. (The commentators tell me it's his signature swing, but who can tell?)

The camera follows the ball, or at least I THINK that's what it's doing because I see an expanse of blue sky for several seconds, then the camera comes down on the greeny part. I sometimes wonder if the cameraman isn't having us on...maybe he just swings his camera lens to the sky and the ball isn't really in the frame. He counts to three, then swings his lens to the greeny part, hoping that that's where the ball will come down. 'Cause I sure as heck can't see a golf ball in the frame.

During the Olympics, the commentators are even worse. They have endless details that one doesn't really need to know. Case in point: in the past hour, I have learned the population of a skater's home town, the age of another's daughter, the composition of the special high-tech fabric in their outfits (high-tech fabric????), how they performed at the last Olympics and the fact that the Russians train in Italy, the Ukrainians train in Colorado and the Chinese train in Germany. (Can they honestly represent their country if they need to go somewhere else to train?)

Way too much information. Shut up and let me watch, already.

I enjoyed the parade of First Nations during the opening ceremonies in Vancouver, but am confused about what the First Nations have to do with sports. I enjoyed the dancers way more than I enjoyed the speed skaters. Some guy on skates going around in circles 1/100th of a second faster than some other guy.

Pro sports are the worst. Because, in addition to telling the viewer way too much information about the players' background, stats and personal home life, commentators are also obligated to tell us their legal status, how much bail was and when their court date is. I realize most pro sports figures don't behave badly, but there are enough badly behaving sports stars that the sports portion of the evening news begins to sound a lot like the police blotter. This one had a gun in the locker room, that one beats up his girlfriend for fun, the other one is involved in dog fighting.

I guess the main reason I watch at all is so I'll at least be able to carry on a decent conversation with a sports nut. One feels badly if someone says, "How 'bout that Gretsky?" and one says "What's a Gretsky?" Too bad sports nuts don't have the same level of social responsibility. Can you imagine one of them watching ballet so they can carry on a decent conversation with me?

There's a team here in North Carolina that calls themselves the Tarheels and I find myself pondering what a tarheel is and doesn't it sound derogatory. But at least here in North Carolina, they are REALLY into basketball. All those tight butts in shorts. I'm happy.